[00:00:00] 10 years after my diagnosis, and I still get nervous about MRIs. No matter how stable I've been, there's always that fear that they'll find something, a new or active lesion, and it'll be the start of my decline. What will it take away from me? My ability to walk, to see, to be me? What will they find, and what will it mean for my future?
Can you relate? As I'm sitting here waiting for MRI results, I thought that this was a conversation we needed to have. And before we get started, I wanna invite you to something special. Living with MS can feel overwhelming, but one habit can shift everything. That's what I'll show you inside my free webinar, How to Help Slow MS Progression, Starting with Just One Habit.
Think of it as your first step towards more energy, confidence, and hope. Save your seat at alinebrennan.com/webinar.[00:01:00]
Welcome to my MS podcast, where women with MS learn how to slow progression and live a life they love. I'm Aline Brennan, your MS sister and a practitioner who knows the science and the reality of living this too. Each week, I share simple, science-backed habits to boost your energy, stay consistent, and feel like yourself again.
Because MS may be a part of your story, but it doesn't get to write the ending. Hello, my friends, and welcome back to my MS podcast. So I've been peeling back the layers in these more personal, vulnerable podcast topics or episodes that I've had recently, and I don't think you get much more vulnerable than the moment you are waiting for MRI results.
If you are listening to this podcast, you know firsthand all the [00:02:00] emotions that come with it, and this MRI is even more triggering for me because it's the 10-year anniversary since my diagnosis. Like, 10 years It's honestly hard to wrap my head around that because in some ways it feels like a lifetime ago.
In other ways, it feels like I was just sitting in that doctor's office hearing the words, "You have MS." I remember it so clearly. I was 36, feeling like I had finally worked my way to starting the life that I wanted. I had left my corporate job, I had gone to culinary school, and I was building my nutrition business.
I was supposed to be in the prime of my life, like growing my business, getting married, having a baby. It was all right there. But instead of launching into what I thought would be one of the best seasons of my life, I got MS. Like, [00:03:00] literally, I'm watching my friends walk down the aisle while I'm walking hospital hallways.
My friends are talking about being tired because they have the joy of a baby growing inside of them. I'm exhausted 'cause I have lesions growing on my brain. Like, what? Is this really my life? My career friends were climbing the ladder while I felt like I was watching my dreams slip through my fingers.
And it's like, "Okay, now what?" Because my ambition didn't just go away when I got that diagnosis. My dreams didn't go away. The desire to build a business, to have a family, to live a full life, like, that didn't just go away. I just didn't have the energy to pursue those dreams the way I used to. I mean, if you know, you know.
And that has to be the hardest part of this journey because you still have things that you wanna do, goals, projects, [00:04:00] dreams, like all these things. But yet when you have MS, you run out of energy before you can do them, sometimes before you can even start them. Like, let's be honest, right? Well, over the years I have told myself I have to figure out how I can make the most of the energy that I have because I refuse, I refuse to get stuck in the doom and gloom.
That definitely is not me, and I wasn't about to let MS completely change who I was. And let's be honest, like, let's really be honest about this. There may be no cure for MS, but it's also not terminal. Like, our life is not over. Yes, it may have changed drastically. The pace at which we live and pursue our dreams has significantly changed.
But we're still living life. And for me, that just meant I had to learn how to go at a different pace, a pace that would allow me to stay [00:05:00] in the game. Because in the beginning, it felt like it was either/or. Like, either I pushed through the fatigue and paid the price later, and we all know how well that goes, or I learned how to adjust my speed limit so that I could keep moving forward.
And that has been one of the messiest and most humbling journeys of my entire life. Because when I can't move at the pace I want to move, that is so irritating to me. It is so irritating to me. I get angry. I feel, like, weak or behind or just not myself, and all of that sucks, right? Like, not language I would typically use on the podcast here, but here we are, calling a spade a spade.
That sucks. My life does not look how I thought it would, and it's definitely not the timeline I thought it would be either But I'm still pursuing my dreams, and one of those [00:06:00] dreams was this business. What started as a nutrition coaching practice almost like 16 years ago became something so much more meaningful after my diagnosis because I dedicated it to women living with MS, because I saw firsthand how little information was out there, but how important the information was that did need to get out there.
So everything that I do now is focused on helping women with MS, especially those ambitious ones, who wanna feel better in their bodies so that they can pursue their dreams. But they just can't figure out how to get started with this whole diet and lifestyle thing or how to stay consistent with it once you do get started.
Because it makes a difference, specifically with our energy, so that, yes, we can still pursue our dreams. And I don't want MS to take anything away from me, and I don't want MS to take anything away from you either. [00:07:00] But I digress. Here I am 10 years later, and I can't help to have all of those old fears resurface as I'm waiting for my MRI results.
And if I'm being completely honest with you, over the years, I've shared so publicly that the lesions on my brain shrunk and went inactive within six months. And I've also shared that 10 years later, here I am, I remain stable, and I am incredibly grateful for that. That is a blessing. It is a gift. And it's also something, it's also something that I feel really proud of.
I found a way to make diet and lifestyle changes realistic in everyday life, and it's made a tremendous difference in my energy and how I feel in my body, and that's amazing. And also, I do still have MS, and that's been amazing. But sharing that so publicly feels like it also [00:08:00] put a target on my back, especially when I'm waiting for MRI results because there's that little voice in the back of my head that just starts running with all of the what-ifs.
Like, what if this MRI isn't stable? What if there's a new lesion? What if there's new activity What if this is the beginning of the decline for me? Like, what if it starts to affect my walking, my vision, my energy? Will I still be able to work? Will I still be able to show up for my family? Will I still be able to be me, right?
Like, those are the thoughts that start running through my, and I'd be willing to bet, say, our mind as we're waiting for MRI results because your mind starts trying to predict a future that doesn't even exist yet, and all of that is natural, right? Like, that's just fear. We know what it is. But for me, there is that extra layer that if this progresses, will this discredit me and my work?
And of course, the answer is no. Like, I know that [00:09:00] logically because I've been stable for 10 years, and that's a huge win. Even my neurologist, my MS specialist, still continues to be so encouraging of my approach with diet and lifestyle. So whatever happens with these MRI results doesn't erase those 10 years.
But it also doesn't make the waiting any easier. It doesn't make the MRI itself any easier, by the way, too, because let's be honest, they can be a bit brutal. Like an hour in a tube that is only slightly bigger than your body, and then the heat. This is the part that always gets me. Like, the heat from the imaging that builds, you can always tell where they're at with like where- what part of the body they're taking pictures of because you feel the heat like underneath of you.
And I don't know about you, but I start to feel a little panicky. Like, is this increasing my internal body temperature enough that it's gonna trigger fatigue? And I'm like trying to calm myself down. Like, I laugh about it, but it's an awful moment. [00:10:00] The very test that's supposed to help me manage MS feels like it's actually making me worse in that moment.
And then there's the moment mid-scan where they either pull you out or they don't to give you the IV contrast. So the hospital I go to for my MRIs doesn't automatically give you the gadolinium contrast. They only do it if they see something new on the imaging. So they actually pull your previous scans up while you're in the machine so they can compare them.
And if they look exactly the same, they don't give you that dye, that contrast dye, 'cause there's certainly no benefit to having it. But you know, you outweigh the pros and cons of it, and I get that. But they certainly have become so much more conservative with using it, and I appreciate that. But it also creates this moment mid-scan where you know if they've seen [00:11:00] something or not Because if they see something, they're pulling it out and they're giving you that contrast.
So you get rolled back into that machine knowing there's something going on, and that's so emotional. So when I'm in those machines, I do my best to stay calm. Like, like I always request worship music 'cause that's something that really calms me down. I try to focus on my breathing, and actually, if MRIs are something that make you anxious, I did an entire episode on the podcast here on how to get through them.
I'll link it over in the show notes over at ellenbrennan.com/blog. FYI, there's a blog post for every podcast episode, so if I ever reference something on here that you're interested in, head over to my blog 'cause I always have all the links in there. But we get through them, right? Like, we get through the MRIs however we need to, and then that just takes us to the waiting game, the waiting game for the results afterwards.
The MRI is over. You've done the hard thing. You laid [00:12:00] in the tube. You listened to all of that banging and clicking. You've done the breathing. You've said your prayers, and now there's nothing left to do but wait And for me, that's when my brain has a field day, right? It can easily get the best of you.
'Cause I don't know about you, but I love certainty. I want someone to tell me the minute I am done that MRI that everything is okay. I don't wanna wait. And here's the kicker. I pretty much always get my MRIs done on a Saturday morning because I have to go into Philly to get them done. And number one, the drive into the city is so much easier early on a Saturday morning than it would be during a work week.
But also, I get, like, one of the first appointments of the day, so there's no waiting. It's just calm. It's easy. Like, like, I just try to eliminate as many stressors in the day as possible, so that's one of the best ways that I can do it. But I always have my follow-up [00:13:00] appointment with my neurologist scheduled, but, like, early that next week.
And I don't know what happened, but I don't have a follow-up appointment on the calendar f- with my neurologist. I have no idea what happened. And you know, trying to get an appointment with your neurologist or MS specialist doesn't happen in a couple days or a couple weeks. Like, I book them six months to a year out.
So I'm really hoping that these MRI results come back good because if they're not, I'm gonna have to figure out how to get an emergency appointment with my neurologist. And of course, we know that, like, if something concerning does come back, they do fit you in, like, they make it happen. But it just doesn't feel good not having that appointment on the calendar.
So now I just wait for the portal message to come through, and that's typically how I hear about it first anyway. Like, I typically will get a message from the portal that I have new results waiting for me before I even hear from my doctor. So that just creates, [00:14:00] like, the refresh button on my phone to get so overworked.
I'm constantly refreshing my email to see if I have that new test results subject line in my email. But look, the reality is, regardless of what the results are, I know that it's not realistic to, like, eliminate fear around MRIs or even living with MS. Like, it's natural for us to have some fear. We are living with a disease for which there is no cure.
That doesn't feel comfy cozy. But yet we cannot let it stop us from living the life that we want to live. Yes, we have to go at a different pace now. Again, we've established this. That stinks. But we're still in the game. We are still in the game, my friends. The goal is to keep living anyway, to keep making plans, chasing your dreams, build a business, believe in your future even if there is uncertainty.
Because MS [00:15:00] or not, uncertainty is a part of life And nobody understands that better than women living with MS, right? Like, we know that firsthand. Now, I don't know when you're listening to this. Maybe I will still be waiting for results. Maybe I know already now. But either way, I wanted to share this journey with you because I know I'm not the only one sitting in that waiting room.
I'm not the only one staring at a calendar counting down to an MRI. I'm not the only one wearing out that refresh button on your portal to see if the test results came in yet. And I'm definitely not the only ambitious woman out there trying to build a life around a lot of uncertainty So if that is you, my friend, I see you.
I see you, and I know that it's hard. But I also know that you have gotten through a lot of hard things before, and this is just one more thing. The only difference is [00:16:00] we don't approach this the way we do so many other hard things in our lives, which has been to double down and to just push through, to plow through.
That's not how healing works. Definitely not with MS. We need a different approach. We need to have compassion. We need to have grace. We need to have patience with ourselves because we're processing a lot of information, emotions, decisions. We are living an invisible disease. We still look the same on the outside to the rest of the world, but we're living in a body that feels very different, and they still likely have the same expectations of our pre-MS self.
And sometimes, oftentimes, we still have that expectation of ourselves, too. That is where the hardest work becomes to not take yourself down in this process, to still allow yourself to have dreams, to have goals, but giving yourself the space to [00:17:00] pursue them at a pace that feels sustainable, that feels supportive, that keeps you in the game.
All right, my friends, I will keep you posted on my MRI results. And if there's something that really stood out to you in today's episode, please send me a message or a DM over on Instagram. I love hearing from each and every one of you. So many of you have sent me messages, and it means the world to me because I feel a little less alone.
I think I shared before, like, I literally record this podcast in the closet of my bedroom. So it's just, like, it's me and this mic and my laptop that's propped up on a little step stool from my daughter's bathroom. Like, I'm super high tech over here. But it gets the job done. It allows me to have this platform to connect with this community and to build this community of amazing, ambitious women living with MS.
And I wanna hear from you. [00:18:00] Please send me a DM. Let me know, are you waiting for MRI results? Do you have one coming up? Or if you want, let me know what the dream is that you are continuing to chase even though you have MS. You are giving yourself permission to still dream big and the ability to pursue it at a pace that honors you and your body that you live in today.
Okay, my friends, I could keep going. I have to wrap this up. But again, thank you for listening. Thank you for being here. Hope you have a great rest of your day, and I will see you next week. Bye. And that's it for today's episode of my MS podcast. I hope you're walking away with one small step you can put into practice today because that is how real change happens.
And remember, MS has its own biological clock, which means the sooner you start, the more power you [00:19:00] have to influence your future. The best time to begin is now. That's why I created my free webinar, How to Help Slow MS Progression, starting with just one habit today. Grab your spot at alinebrennan.com/webinar.
See you there