Do you struggle to ask for help when it comes to managing multiple sclerosis? Do you cringe at the idea of even needing to ask for help? Most of us living with MS are women, and most of us are type A overachievers. Not exactly the profile of someone who is comfortable asking for help. If this sounds like you, this episode is for you. Let's talk about how to get better at asking for help and how to build strong relationships with your support partners.

There are 1 million people diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in the US. So that makes you one in a million. And you have a special purpose in this world that no diagnosis can take away from you. So if you are ready to reclaim your body, mind and life from multiple sclerosis, welcome to my MS podcast. I'm your host, Alene Brennan. When it comes to multiple sclerosis, women outnumber men by nearly four to one. And this gender gap has only widened in the last 50 years. Why am I sharing this when I'm talking about developing your support team for managing MS? Because generally speaking, women tend to be the caregivers. So it's not only really uncomfortable for us to think about needing support,

yet here we are living with this invisible, incurable chronic illness of which fatigue is one of the most common and challenging symptoms. I find the invisible aspect of this disease to be a bit of a double-edged sword. I like the fact that not everyone has to know about my diagnosis unless I choose to tell them. However, the major downside to invisible disease is the fact that nobody knows the true weight It's humbling. That fatigue is humbling. As the saying goes, if you know, you know. And the situation that we can easily find ourselves in is trying to act like everything is fine, like we're our same normal selves until we can't anymore. We do our best to mask it, but then we hit a wall and we can't push through it.

Well, I certainly tried, but we all know how that goes. That is a recipe for disaster. It only sets you back further, making it near impossible to get out of. So we eventually come to the fact that we need support. What type of support we need varies not only from person to person, but it's also varies from season to season within the same person. So for example, if you're affected by heat, you may need more support in the summer versus in the colder winter months, or in a different season of your life, you may have a lot of other life stressors going on that trigger your symptoms. Today, I want to talk about probably the hardest aspect for us, having the courage to ask for help. I have a couple of tips I want to share with us. And the first is be direct. It's easy to casually drop hints about needing help because you don't want to have to ask for it. But the reality is family and friends, they don't always pick up on hints. They need you to be direct when you want help. This is especially important for those of us who never asked for help in the past.

Ask for help. And when you do ask, you don't need to over-explain yourself. They don't need the backstory. They just need to hear what help it is that you need, which leads me to my next point. Be specific. What exactly do you need help with? Do you need help with completing a task? Do you need emotional support? Just someone to listen to you and help you think through something that's on your mind. Do you need help figuring out how to deal with all of the insurance issues so that you can just simply get your medicine? Be specific with what you need. It's also important to be specific when it comes to describing how you're feeling. I find that clarifying when MS fatigue is kicking in versus when I'm tired are really important distinctions.

It helps my family and friends understand that fatigue is different from their understanding of just being tired at the end of the day. I didn't learn this until recently that I would use the same words for two different experiences. I would use the same word for MS fatigue as just being everyday tired. So how could I expect my family to understand when it was MS and I really needed their support and I was struggling versus when I was just tired and I just needed to relax on the couch? Be specific, not only with what you need help with, but also what you're experiencing. They can't see it. When it's an invisible disease, they can't see it.

So when we are more specific in describing what's going on, not over explaining yourself, but just being specific with it, it helps them have a better understanding of what they cannot see. And speaking of understanding, that is my next one. Be understanding. Look, here's the reality of the situation. It's not easy to live with a chronic illness like MS. We all know that firsthand. We carry a heavy weight every single day. And we often shield our family from ever seeing the true weight of it. But we can't lose sight of the fact that it's hard for them too. It may be really hard for them to see you struggle and not be able to fix it. They can't take MS away from you no matter how much they want to.

And it's hard to see your family members struggling. And it's really hard for them to understand this concept of an invisible disease. They can't see or feel what you're experiencing. So unless you're open and honest about what's going on, they are in the dark. They don't have a visible way of knowing when you're struggling and when you're not. So help them out. Communication skills are essential in any relationship, but they are critical when it comes to multiple sclerosis. Bring them into your world by helping them to know when you're struggling,

Again, it's going to be different for each of us, but here are some suggestions to hopefully spark some ideas. Number one, running errands. I don't know about you, but I love getting errands checked off my to-do list. However, they are exhausting. And for the season of life that I'm in right now, with a two-year-old who's in a car seat, it's even more exhausting. One of the things that I find so helpful is when my husband will drive me to do my errands. That way, I don't have to bring my daughter into each store dealing with the car seat and the stroller and the shopping cart. I can hop out of the car, run into the store, do what I need to do, and when I come out, he has the car pulled up to the front door.

So everything just goes faster and it requires far less energy on my part. Now, of course, the downside to this is that I have to do it at a time that works well with his schedule. And he's pretty good at being flexible, but it's not always done on my time. And that's hard. When I want something done, I want it done then. But that's on me. That is on me to manage my desire to want things done right away. I can't put that on him. But having somebody help either run the errands for you or come along with you can be a massive help. Next, doing laundry. We all know how quickly laundry piles up. You can ask for help in one aspect of it, like flipping the laundry from the washer to the dryer or folding the clean clothes or putting them away. Or you can ask for help with the whole process. It may even be time for your kiddos to start doing their own laundry. Okay, this next one, it might sound silly, but it's actually a super helpful thing to ask for. Filling your supplement container. That takes time and it's something that we can easily skip.

This is a great thing to ask for help for. It's an easy thing. You get out your supplements, give them the pill organizer, and they can fill that. And maybe if that's something that is really helpful for you and you have somebody that is able to do it, maybe that's something that you ask them to do each week so that you don't have to ask for that help over again. Okay. I could continue on and on with ideas.

But just start paying attention to what drains your energy most and what might be easy to delegate or ask for support in doing. The last thing I want to touch on is building strong relationships with your support partners. Let's face it, it feels vulnerable having to ask for support, but it's also an opportunity to strengthen bonds with those who you care about most. So let's talk about how to do that. Open communication is number one. Communication is always number one when it comes to relationships. Keep the lines of communication open, share your needs and encourage them to express their thoughts too. It's such a game changer when you can have open, honest conversations about the realities of how MS is affecting you and your family.

Next, gratitude. Gratitude pops up everywhere when it talks about managing a chronic illness and building stronger relationships with your support partner is no exception. They're going through a lot as well. They're not personally carrying the weight of MS, but they are experiencing some impact of it. So show your appreciation for their support. A simple thank you goes a long way.

and that you're honoring any boundaries that they have. This is about ensuring mutual respect. And now quality time. Spend enjoyable time together. Times when you're not talking or thinking about MS. Times where you just get to be you and they get to be them. And just as communication is important, so is education. Educate them about MS, whether that is you sharing things with them directly or you directing them to other resources where they can learn

And last but not least, patience. Be patient with each other. You need to express that you need patience from them, but they may need patience with you as well as they're trying to figure out how to navigate this road. Remember, strong relationships with your support partners not only help you in managing MS, but they also help you in living a deeply meaningful, fulfilling life. Life is so much about the relationships that we have, and we are in a position living with MS that we need to pull those relationships a little bit closer in to help us navigate the hard days and to help us celebrate the days that we feel well. So see this as an opportunity to really build and nurture those connections with those that you love. Well, my friend, we've reached the end of this episode. Pick one lesson from today's discussion and put it into action now. It's time to reclaim your body, mind and life from multiple sclerosis. And for more resources, events and programs, head over to AleneBrennan. com. See you on the next episode of my MS podcast.